After I lost my twins, I was hopeful that maybe by some miracle they had helped my endometreosis enough to were I can have children on my own. After seeing my fertility doctor and two others I have learned that this is not the case. I have stage 4 endometrosis and it has not gotten any better at all. All three doctors believe there is no chance for me to conceive without doing in vitro again. This truly breaks my heart. I love adoption and our situation worked out so well, but after coming this close to bringing a baby here on my own, my heart just aches to try it again. After speaking with my fertility doctor of course I have to take some time to recover from all of this. Once I have done that I will most likely need another surgery before doing the invitro. After the surgery I am sure I will have to be on a treatment for a few months which I will then have to spend a few months recovering from that. After all that I can finally start the meds for my invitro. The medicine process takes at least a month sometimes more. Then I will have my eggs taken out. Since I had a bad reaction last time when they immediately implanted them after everything my body had been through, my doctor says the eggs will have to be frozen for at least three months. At that time if any survive to be frozen and if any survive the thaw, I can finally be implanted. Then hopefully if it even works, after what I am sure will be 9 terrifying months, I will finally have another baby! I was thinking about all this last night and best case scenario, if everything goes "smoothly", and another $14,000 later, I will be pregnant again in over a year! We probably will not have another child for around two years! This is way too long and not at all what I wanted! Sometimes I feel like I just need to put papers back in for adoption but there is no telling how long that will take and after coming so close to having this experience there is no way I feel comfortable throwing my chances away. My doctor says if I am going to do this it has to be now or never because I am very close to losing my ovaries so we basically have to make a decision and take a gamble with our lives very soon! One wrong turn could affect our whokle lives. I want to be a stay at home mom but here I am working 9-5 three days a week, missing precious moments. Why? So I can afford my surgeries, treatments, and paying to get more children. My husband and I would actually be doing very well financially if I could just have children naturally! I feel I will never be able to quit!! I am so tired of being in so much pain, having surgeries, treatments, and heartache. When will it be my turn??
I am so angry! Why do we have to be in this position? Why must we go through this? When will it be enough? Why can people who do drugs and make horrible decisions get pregnant without having to pay $14,000 and go through all this! After having a friend whose lost a baby, hearing about sweet little Corbin losing his life in the river, having another friend lose a child this last week, and losing my cat to pit bulls this last month, it just really has me wanting to throw in the towel! Is all this really worth it! I know that God had to take my twins, but who is to say he wont take my other children, or my husband! I just don't think I am strong enough to lose anything else. My heart aches for more babies so bad, but it is going to be so hard to get them no matter which path i choose and I am so terrified to lose anything else! I was doing well for a while but after all these doctor appointments and the things that have happened over the last two weeks I feel I have had a break down every day!! I can't wait to just be myself again! I am so grateful for the little family I have! I hope I never lose them! So glad for the eternal plan, but man is it hard getting there!
I guess I will just have to do my best to put my trust in the lord! If I decide to do invitro I am still not closing the door on adoption. I know a baby will come how its supposed to I just hate that it has to be so hard and I sure hope God will lead us in the right direction!
I can't express how much my heart aches for you. I don't know the heartache of losing a child (or two!) But I completely understand the grief, and frustrations of infertility. It's so hard to see people making "bad" life choices, and ending up with the thing you desire most. I, too, ache for the opportunity to quit my job and enjoy precious moments at home. While my struggles seem mild next to what you have sufferded, I want you to know that it IS worth waiting for. If you ever need to vent or cry, I'm home most afternoons. There is no point trying to understand the trial in this life, I promise the rewards in the next life will more than compensate..... {{hugs}}
ReplyDeleteOh Reese I wish I could help you with your grief, and pain that you are going through. I realize that it's not an easy thing for you to be going through, and that I have no idea how you are feeling. But know that I am here for you if you need anything!!! No mater what it is!!! Love you!!!!!
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