After I lost my twins, I was hopeful that maybe by some miracle they had helped my endometreosis enough to were I can have children on my own. After seeing my fertility doctor and two others I have learned that this is not the case. I have stage 4 endometrosis and it has not gotten any better at all. All three doctors believe there is no chance for me to conceive without doing in vitro again. This truly breaks my heart. I love adoption and our situation worked out so well, but after coming this close to bringing a baby here on my own, my heart just aches to try it again. After speaking with my fertility doctor of course I have to take some time to recover from all of this. Once I have done that I will most likely need another surgery before doing the invitro. After the surgery I am sure I will have to be on a treatment for a few months which I will then have to spend a few months recovering from that. After all that I can finally start the meds for my invitro. The medicine process takes at least a month sometimes more. Then I will have my eggs taken out. Since I had a bad reaction last time when they immediately implanted them after everything my body had been through, my doctor says the eggs will have to be frozen for at least three months. At that time if any survive to be frozen and if any survive the thaw, I can finally be implanted. Then hopefully if it even works, after what I am sure will be 9 terrifying months, I will finally have another baby! I was thinking about all this last night and best case scenario, if everything goes "smoothly", and another $14,000 later, I will be pregnant again in over a year! We probably will not have another child for around two years! This is way too long and not at all what I wanted! Sometimes I feel like I just need to put papers back in for adoption but there is no telling how long that will take and after coming so close to having this experience there is no way I feel comfortable throwing my chances away. My doctor says if I am going to do this it has to be now or never because I am very close to losing my ovaries so we basically have to make a decision and take a gamble with our lives very soon! One wrong turn could affect our whokle lives. I want to be a stay at home mom but here I am working 9-5 three days a week, missing precious moments. Why? So I can afford my surgeries, treatments, and paying to get more children. My husband and I would actually be doing very well financially if I could just have children naturally! I feel I will never be able to quit!! I am so tired of being in so much pain, having surgeries, treatments, and heartache. When will it be my turn??
I am so angry! Why do we have to be in this position? Why must we go through this? When will it be enough? Why can people who do drugs and make horrible decisions get pregnant without having to pay $14,000 and go through all this! After having a friend whose lost a baby, hearing about sweet little Corbin losing his life in the river, having another friend lose a child this last week, and losing my cat to pit bulls this last month, it just really has me wanting to throw in the towel! Is all this really worth it! I know that God had to take my twins, but who is to say he wont take my other children, or my husband! I just don't think I am strong enough to lose anything else. My heart aches for more babies so bad, but it is going to be so hard to get them no matter which path i choose and I am so terrified to lose anything else! I was doing well for a while but after all these doctor appointments and the things that have happened over the last two weeks I feel I have had a break down every day!! I can't wait to just be myself again! I am so grateful for the little family I have! I hope I never lose them! So glad for the eternal plan, but man is it hard getting there!
I guess I will just have to do my best to put my trust in the lord! If I decide to do invitro I am still not closing the door on adoption. I know a baby will come how its supposed to I just hate that it has to be so hard and I sure hope God will lead us in the right direction!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
Today has been rough! Although we didn't find out anything was wrong till days later, the doctor said it was most likely a month ago today that everything started to turn for the worse with my pregnancy. I keep wishing I could go back. I keep thinking maybe I could have saved them, maybe I could have done something different. I know in my heart this is not the case but I still often wonder. I remember March 6 so well. Our owners were coming at work the next day and I was stressing out. Alex and I were also preparing for our first little family vacation. We were planning to take Liam and go to Saint George for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary and have our last hurrah before the babies came. The months before had been very scary and stressfull while we went to appointment after appointment learning the risks and mostly the bad news of mono amniotic twins. Only 2 weeks before we lost our little ones we were told that they were not mono amniotic by a specialist at the U of U hospital. Although they were still sharing a placenta and we still had risks to worry about, we were so excited and releaved to find out their chances of living had gone way up. We were so excited to find out the genders that friday and leave for our trip so we could de-stress and get excited for the rest of the pregnancy, and our sweet babies to be born!
Friday March 9 started out like any other day. Nothing felt out of place or wrong. My mom picked me up and we left to go to my apointment. The heartbeats are always the first thing I see when the ultrasound pulls up, but when it pulled up this time I did not see them. When the doctor turned the screen away from me I was pretty sure I knew what was going on. What felt like hours passed before the doctor said anything. I saw the look on his face though and I could tell he just didn't know what to say. Finally he told me there had been a very bad change since the last time he saw me and that there were no heartbeats. I could not find my voice at that point. I was overcome with shock! It was as if I could litterally feel my heart breaking. My mom called Alex who was in school at the time and he came right away. Our world turned upside down so fast! We went from excitement to find out the genders and to go on our trip, to dealing with the fact that in a few short hours our sweet boys would be born sleeping.
The next few hours were some of the hardest hours of my life. I felt like my heart broke a little more each minute. They induced my labor and it took 24 hours for the boys to be born. I was emotionally exhausted, scared to see the lifeless bodies of my sweet babies, and broken hearted. I know this sounds dumb but for some reason I felt I was not allowed to cry and had to be strong. Of course no matter how hard I tried I still had my moments. More than anything I just wanted to go home so I could fall apart in private.
When the boys were finally born we were allowed to dress and hold them. They were beautiful and were more developed then I expected. They had all 10 fingers and toes. They had eyes, nose, mouth, ears, they just looked like our sweet little mini babies to me. We were able to spend the evening with them and we cherished every minute. They were born on our anniversary which will make for a sad day every year but we know they are with us and watching over us always and we know we will see them again.
Since then I have been on a huge roller coaster. I feel like in one day I can feel anger, happiness, sadness, a million different feelings. I am so glad to have the amazing support system I have with my friends and family, but unfortunatly I feel this whole situtaion has made me lose a few friends as well. A few of my close friends have said very little or nothing at all to me since we lost our boys. I know it is hard to know what to say to someone who has lost someone close but I wish people understood that you don't really have to say anything to me really. Just "I love you and I'm here for you!" My biggest fear is that people will tiptoe around me. I still want to hear about the hapiness in everyone elses lives including pregnacy. Just because I am sad does not mean I am not happy for them. Although I do not want people to pretend this didn't happen and that my sweet boys never existed, I don't want to be treated any differently. I am still Shirece! I am still your friend, family member, neighbor, co-worker etc....I know things will never be the same but it just feels that some things have changed a little too drastically.
I will admit that I have had some things said to me that are pretty hurtfull. Like "at least they died before you got too attached" but I am trying to be a little less touchy with things like that. Afterall I know these things are not said to hurt me.
I seem to be doing much better now but I still have my days. I still feel like I will never understand why. I have so many friends who are wonderful people and would be amazing parents to their sweet little one, but they can't have kids of their own. I have a way hard time with this and our situation when I see people who take their children for granted. Popping one out every nine months, while doing, drugs, drinking, smoking etc.. Then abusing or neglecting them when they are born. I see situations like this all the time at my work. It has always bothered me but now I seem to get so angry! Why?? Why are they blessed with a healthy pregnancy and healthy children, when it seems they could care less? Those poor babies do not deserve to come to a home like that. I was so careful with my pregnancy. I would not even drink caffiene. So why does my friend that drinks during her pregnancy get to have a healthy baby and I have to lose mine? I have spent every dime I have, been through several surgries. I worked so hard for this pregnancy I just can't understand why I had to lose them. I guess this will be my struggle. I know Heavenly father has a plan. I know he loves us and our babies. I am glad that they will never know the pains of this world. Still my heart will always ache for them.
Liam has been such a huge blessing in this situation. This would be so much harder to go through without him. He has me laughing even in my darkest moments. I am so glad that a sweet, amazing, selfless girl gave me a chance to be a mommy! He makes our family whole and even if we never have any more children, I will always feel extremly blessed!
Wow! This was a long post! I had to get a lot of things off my chest. I decided to blog because I have always enjoyed writing and I think this will be a big help while I am greiving. I thought about making this private since this will be my raw opinions and emotions, but I decided not too. Maybe it will help someone else. Also I feel it's important for people to know what I'm going through. Thanks to all who have supported and loved me through all this. Love you all!
Friday March 9 started out like any other day. Nothing felt out of place or wrong. My mom picked me up and we left to go to my apointment. The heartbeats are always the first thing I see when the ultrasound pulls up, but when it pulled up this time I did not see them. When the doctor turned the screen away from me I was pretty sure I knew what was going on. What felt like hours passed before the doctor said anything. I saw the look on his face though and I could tell he just didn't know what to say. Finally he told me there had been a very bad change since the last time he saw me and that there were no heartbeats. I could not find my voice at that point. I was overcome with shock! It was as if I could litterally feel my heart breaking. My mom called Alex who was in school at the time and he came right away. Our world turned upside down so fast! We went from excitement to find out the genders and to go on our trip, to dealing with the fact that in a few short hours our sweet boys would be born sleeping.
The next few hours were some of the hardest hours of my life. I felt like my heart broke a little more each minute. They induced my labor and it took 24 hours for the boys to be born. I was emotionally exhausted, scared to see the lifeless bodies of my sweet babies, and broken hearted. I know this sounds dumb but for some reason I felt I was not allowed to cry and had to be strong. Of course no matter how hard I tried I still had my moments. More than anything I just wanted to go home so I could fall apart in private.
When the boys were finally born we were allowed to dress and hold them. They were beautiful and were more developed then I expected. They had all 10 fingers and toes. They had eyes, nose, mouth, ears, they just looked like our sweet little mini babies to me. We were able to spend the evening with them and we cherished every minute. They were born on our anniversary which will make for a sad day every year but we know they are with us and watching over us always and we know we will see them again.
I will admit that I have had some things said to me that are pretty hurtfull. Like "at least they died before you got too attached" but I am trying to be a little less touchy with things like that. Afterall I know these things are not said to hurt me.
I seem to be doing much better now but I still have my days. I still feel like I will never understand why. I have so many friends who are wonderful people and would be amazing parents to their sweet little one, but they can't have kids of their own. I have a way hard time with this and our situation when I see people who take their children for granted. Popping one out every nine months, while doing, drugs, drinking, smoking etc.. Then abusing or neglecting them when they are born. I see situations like this all the time at my work. It has always bothered me but now I seem to get so angry! Why?? Why are they blessed with a healthy pregnancy and healthy children, when it seems they could care less? Those poor babies do not deserve to come to a home like that. I was so careful with my pregnancy. I would not even drink caffiene. So why does my friend that drinks during her pregnancy get to have a healthy baby and I have to lose mine? I have spent every dime I have, been through several surgries. I worked so hard for this pregnancy I just can't understand why I had to lose them. I guess this will be my struggle. I know Heavenly father has a plan. I know he loves us and our babies. I am glad that they will never know the pains of this world. Still my heart will always ache for them.
Liam has been such a huge blessing in this situation. This would be so much harder to go through without him. He has me laughing even in my darkest moments. I am so glad that a sweet, amazing, selfless girl gave me a chance to be a mommy! He makes our family whole and even if we never have any more children, I will always feel extremly blessed!
Wow! This was a long post! I had to get a lot of things off my chest. I decided to blog because I have always enjoyed writing and I think this will be a big help while I am greiving. I thought about making this private since this will be my raw opinions and emotions, but I decided not too. Maybe it will help someone else. Also I feel it's important for people to know what I'm going through. Thanks to all who have supported and loved me through all this. Love you all!
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